How to Write About Muslims

When writing an article on Muslims, there are rules.

Rule #1: Make sure to use the words 'Terrorists' or 'ISIS' in your title. Other words you can use are 'Jihadi', 'Attacks' or 'Cult'.

Rule #2: All Muslims are the same. If one forces his daughter to wear hijab, they all must. If one beats his wife, it must be because the Qur’an told him to do it. And if one young Muslim woman gets a PhD and then chooses a husband…oh wait, no…that would obviously never happen.

Rule #3: Always assume a Muslim woman needs to be saved, and write accordingly.

Rule #4: Ignore positive examples.

Rule #5: It Is Always the Muslim’s Fault. 

Rule #6: Always be confident that you know everything there is to know about Islam, and that you understand it better than most Muslims do.

Rule #7:  In the unlikely event that you are missing any information regarding Muslims, consult a Muslim spokesperson with whom most Muslims will disagree (because Muslims generally have a poor understanding of their own experiences and cannot be trusted to provide reliable information.)

Rule #8: Everything Muslims do has to do with Islam and Islam alone. Their cultural background and its possible influences in their lives must be ignored.

Rule #9: If culture is mentioned, ensure that it is clear that it is inherently barbaric and violent (especially toward women.)

Rule #10: Always remember that Muslims are not real Canadians (or Americans, British, etc.)

Rule #11: Only Trust Muslim “Reformists.” You can only consider the voices of Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Irshad Manji, Wafa Sultan, and Mona Eltahawy. Theirs are the only valid voices of Muslim women, because they've realized the error of their ways. Never trust a woman wearing hijab – obviously someone put her up to it.

Rule #12: Be as melodramatic as possible. Enhance this through your use of provocative words. For e.g when talking about women, emphasize their abuse. Use words such as 'prisoner' or 'chained'. This wording successfully suggests that the lives of Muslim women are not free, and it is only in death that they can achieve this freedom. Conversely, non-Muslim women have zero constraints in their lives and are always, always free.

Rule #13: Make a few jabs at feminists. Point out how useless feminists are when it comes to Muslim women. They should know that they are supposed to speak for all women, and that all women have exactly the same needs. Any desires to repect and honour women of diverse cultural backgrounds should be seen as incompetence.

Rule #14: Take Every Anecdote As Gospel. It’s important, of course, that whenever you have a negative experience in a Muslim country, you make general, sweeping statements about how that experience is the norm, like “It is well known that the Arabs and Muslims kept and still keep sex slaves” and “A fully ‘covered’ girl-child, anywhere between the ages of 10-15, may still be forced into an arranged marriage, perhaps with her first cousin, perhaps with a man old enough to be her grandfather, and she is not allowed to leave him, not even if he beats her black and blue every single day.”Nevermind the thousands of Muslim women who are waiting until they finish their educations to get married. Nevermind the legal reforms. Obviously, only negative experiences count, because all Muslims are the same!

Bonus marks: Sneak in a reference to Israel, especially when it is completely irrelevant.